Have you ever been stuck in that lull where your marriage starts to feel like a platonic roommate situation at best? Or maybe it's that period where everything you do you find yourself thinking about all of the things on your plate and the seemingly empty plate of your partner.
I've been there - being life partners is hard enough, add co-parenting or business partnership, and your relationship quickly starts to feel transactional. The loss of intimacy both physically and emotionally can take a toll not only on your marriage but on your other life dealings as well.
In these trying times finding a way to choose gratitude, appreciation, and vulnerability is extremely difficult. My husband and I started instituting a 5-minute daily check-in to reignite our communication, and intimacy and light a fire of love and appreciation around our relationship a year ago and the difference that it has made is indescribable.
I was six weeks postpartum, I had been back at work for a few weeks and it felt like everything was falling apart. My work schedule was so hectic, my pumping schedule was off and I got mastitis, followed by a complete loss of milk supply, followed by a fridge malfunction that caused a COMPLETE loss of milk supply. When we were at work I compared every minuscule task I did to what he did and made mine seem bigger. I ticked every diaper I changed, every bottle I made, midnight wake-up, and day sat on the couch while he did 'whatever he wanted'.
Everything he did felt wrong to me, everything I did felt like a miserable chore. Can we blame hormones? Without a doubt, there was much more at play here. We didn't communicate unless it was about dirty diapers and sleep schedules. We weren't eating healthy with all of our life changes, our business was in a state of constant distress, and it bled into every waking moment at home for me. My interpersonal misery led to my Husband seeking any opportunity to get away from me, whether that was coming up with work projects, or heading to a golf course, he couldn't stand another minute around me. It added fuel to my fire.
I was ready to pack up, head to the Midwest with my family, and give it all up. ...
At my breaking point, I saw a way to attempt to reconnect our partnership. 5 minutes of uninterrupted conversation, a task taken on as a couple with an aligned goal, and a year and a half later, we're unstoppable as partners.
The Aligned Activity
Every night after our Daughter is put down we do a house reset together. The goal for each of us is the same: to put the chaos of the day away, and make our space the warm and clear space we love.
Breaking it down it means:
Dinner dishes are done, and the kitchen counters are clear.
The toys are put away
Laundry is moved over, or folded wherever we are in the process
The bathtub toys are picked up
I used to do this by myself every night (while secretly hating my Husband), and it would take me nearly an hour. Now, with the two of us picking up the projects it only takes about 15 minutes.
The 5-Minutes
Once the house is reset and we feel that relief, we sit down and make some form of physical contact - hands held, legs touching - and we each reflect on 4 items (5 for business partners)
Something that we learned from the day
Something that we appreciate about our partner
Something that we are struggling with personally
Something that we need from our partner/metrics of changes being made
Business Metrics/Information
These 5 minutes sometimes become hours, and sometimes when the right small changes are being made, they are quick and dirty and turn into a desire to do something together. Whether it be the 5-minute or elongated conversation we cover a lot of the missing pieces of our relationship:
Alignment/Sharing personal information
Gratitude for our spouse
Vulnerability to interpersonal issues
A dedicated space to discuss business, and closure to SHUT IT OFF and focus on each other.
Reduction of nagging - and ability to have effective conversations that inspire change by sharing a need and providing a regular check-in. This also allows us to reflect and be proud of the work we are doing together and individually.
Carving out a few minutes in the mix of our crazy busy lives can allow us to build a life-lasting partnership that is full of support and continued growth. Whether you're in a lull now, have been in one before, or have never felt this disconnect, try this 5-minute exercise and tell me what you think!
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